she tells people a lot, fear is the absence of faith.
Let me repeat that:
Fear is the absence of faith
I hear her say it to others when they doubt situations, and she even says it to me when I doubt myself, but the reality is as many times as I have heard it, sometimes I don't *hear* it.
In the past week, I have put myself through emotional turmoil. I beat myself up inside. I let myself down, and instead of striving for better next time, or learning from my mistakes,
I let myself tell myself I sucked.
I let myself have it, I questioned if I had just wasted the past 1400 days of my life going to school for something I will never be "good enough" at.
You see, I failed a test, a test I really should have passed. And I know when I say "failed" you say Really, Nicki, failed? But yes, I failed. I got a 61% on an open book test. No excuse really. I didn't rush, I looked up answers, I didn't guess. But somehow I managed to get a 61% on my final for an accounting 400 series class. It's not like the concepts were new, I just failed.
And in failing the test, I failed myself. See I have this academic standard of myself, this I need to be perfect, I need to get an "A" mentality. I love the way A's look on my grade card, they have a sparkle to them, and I remember bringing home all those shiny A's to my parents and watching them beam.
Let me repeat that to you too:
I remember bringing home all those shiny A's to my parents and watching them beam.
Somewhere along the lines, I attached shiny A's, to perfection, to approval, and to a lot of other things.
I attached perfect grades, and a pressure upon myself that if I didn't bring in that shiny A, I wasn't good enough. Fair or unfair, I did it, and as I cried over failing this test, to further hate Staples for not having the pen I wanted in blue (I was using retail therapy to recover from the test, but failed miserably at that too) I realized something.
I don't have to get A's, and I don't have to be perfect. See for me, failing this test meant I was limiting my career. I know how demanding the accounting field is, and I know that I need to have the highest GPA possible in all of my accounting classes to put myself ahead in my field. I had fear that this 61% was going to ruin my chances of doing what I want to do. Of getting the job I want to get.
As I am on the phone crying to her, she says what she always says
fear is the absence of faith
Do I believe that I am right where I need to be, and that God is looking over the situation. Maybe I was meant to get that 61%, and maybe having the job I want isn't the job I am supposed to have.
Do I have faith or do I have fear?
You can't have both. If you have fear, then you don't believe that there is a power greater then yourself at work in your life guiding you along your life path.
In that moment, I had nothing but fear, and disappointment, and even a little self-hate. I was so angry at myself for studying, for trying, and still failing. I had let myself down, and everyone watching me. That was my perception, right or wrong, but it was mine at the time.
But then, I heard it.
fear is the absence of faith
I absorbed it
I have faith, and in that faith I push out the fear. I can't be scared when I know that the power that is greater then me is driving the bus and bringing me thru the experiences I need to have, and teaching me the lessons I need to learn, and will let me off at the stop that is right for me. I needed my faith to outshine my fear. I needed the light to be greater then the dark.
