time of death.

Five years ago today...
Four years ago today...
three years ago today...
two years ago today...
seem like yesterday.....

On the first anniversary of my dad I wrote my reflections of how I have done that year. I wrote them the night before, at the time I wrote them the night before because I was highly emotional, and I wasn't sure how the day would go, and I felt that I owed the world a check up on Nicki -- how has she done since the carpet was ripped out from underneath her.
In hindsight it was intuition that one the one year anniversary of losing my dad I would lose my mom. 
For those of you just now tuning in - I lost my dad November 13, 2007 and my mom 365 days later, November 13, 2008.
The next response is wow - were your parents married - nope, divorced, though they had been married a million years, they were not married at the time my daddy passed. The timing of their deaths was heaven's gift to my sisters and I.


The year after my mom died, November 2009, I spent that anniversary date participating in the Susan G. Komen 3 day-60 mile walk for the cure. That event gave me a perspective that I couldn't be more grateful for. 


This year I don't have another death, or a big event to fill today with.  Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing "special" and part of me has guilt that I'm not doing something monumental to mark this day, it's more like a normal day for me. 
But in thinking it through I guess normal is good, it's a sign that I have walked thru not one but two knee- crippling events. 
I have buried both my parents. 
And I survived. 


I am back to living, normal, as normal as can be. I think normal will never the same again. Just like September 11, on September 10 this country was very different, and from September 12, forward everything has a different meaning. We have never forgotten what that day stood for, but we have gotten back to living as normal as we can. 


You're thinking - did she really just liken her life to the world-altering September 11 attacks, and yes I did. I went there. To me, this was my world-altering events. We will never forget where we were, how we felt on the day of those attacks. I will never forget my parents, where I was, and how I felt when they passed. I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath, and I closed his still open eyes. I witnessed the man who gave me life lose his. I had lunch with a dear friend the day my mom died. I was surrounded by church, and God and was remembering my dad when I got the call from my sister telling me mom was gone. I got in my car, left an inaudible message for my best friend and drove to meet Cole who took me to my mama's house. We sat on the back of the couch and bantered with the Glendale fire department while waiting for the corner to remove my mom's lifeless body from the place she passed. 
I will never forget those memories.
I will never stop missing my parents. 
I will never eat a cheese enchilada without thinking of my mom, I will never forget her laugh because my daughter's cackle reminds me of it, I will never go to Anita's, or sew, or walk thru my front door without having memories of her flood thru my mind.
I will never travel to Mexico, and visit our special place, without thinking of my dad. I will never McGyver something together without thinking of my dad, or see a lilac without tearing up.
I will never in my life forget them.
But I will learn to live again. I will learn to be as normal as I can, and I will continue to learn to be around other families, without being bitter about how mine has changed. 
I will put one foot in front of the other, and with confidence tell you my parents are watching over me. Every time the TV goes fuzzy, or a device that works perfectly flickers, or I come across a feather, I am reassured, that their physical presence is all I am missing, if I get quiet, I can feel them. I know they keep me safe from harm, and guide me, even if I can't see them. I can feel them anytime I want. I know that they are proud of me, and when I graduate this May- I can without a doubt tell you, they will have the best seats in the house. 


To anyone who has lost someone, I feel your pain, it never gets easier, you just learn to do the best you can. Some days are better then others, and that will never change. 

stay, go, seasonal......

We have all heard it at one point or another, and the chances of you having said it to someone else is probably just as equally high.
Friends come and friends go
If it's meant to be, they it will be.

*shake your head yes* you know that those words, or very similar ones are pretty common for what we tell ourselves when a friendship goes away that we cherished.

I was thinking about that the other day, a friend of mine, her facebook status said something along the lines of mourning friendships that have been lost thru death, distance or circumstance - she was sad. and it made me sad. and it made me think.

And then I came across this in my email this morning:
"friendship means a willingness to sacrifice for each other in love. It's the ability to put another's needs, desires, and wishes above our own"
" a true friend is a loyal defense before others; one who won't talk about you when you're not around. True friends stick up for each other and are ready to defend when others attack"
"you don't have to explain why you do what you do. You are just free to do it."
and finally:
"Friends don't bale, they stay. They allow you to be yourself no matter what 'self' looks like. 


We all have different levels of friendships - you know what I mean, the friend you can call at 2 am, the friend you like to shop with, the friend you don't talk to very much.

But this post is about those 2 am friends. The ones that are there, no matter what card you have dealt them, or they have dealt you, and they choose to stay and love you thru it anyway.

Recently I think friendships have been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe my friends facebook post the other day triggered it, maybe the recent block of time I have had with my sisters, maybe a friends struggles and watching everyone be turned upside down, maybe it was something said on Oprah yesterday, who knows, what I know is that I have been looking at what a *real* friendship looks like.

Sometimes people really push what they ask us to tolerate as their friend, they do things that make us cringe, but here's the thing: We are bystanders to another person's journey, and we should be lucky enough to get to be apart of it, if even for a moment. As we go thru life, our experiences change us, they change who we are, what we believe and what we want out of this life. This constant change makes it hard for friends to love us thru everything and be there.

When you think about the world, and timing, and how everything works- nothing is a coincidence. NOTHING. Everything has a purpose, and that purpose is not always clearly identified.

People walk into our lives, and like domino's, whether they keep falling or stop depends on the timing and outside events.

I will be the first to admit, letting people inside Fort Knox isn't an easy task, I don't really like people in my space, I am in what I self describe, surface-open towards people. Letting you into my nook-and-crannies takes a lot of time, and IF I let you in there, you better stay, and if you don't, you better believe Ima cry. I feel a loss, and empty space for the people that I let in and they left, I miss those people, a lot.

But I understand why they have left as well, but then sometimes it makes me mad as hell.

Real friends just don't quit. They don't give up when it gets hard. They don't walk out, they don't just say this doesn't work for me anymore. You shouldn't get to toss someone aside that no longer "fits" what you need.

Sometimes friendships go thru seasons, they calm down, but when you think of that person, you know where you stand with them still, and know that friendship hasn't suffered even though you haven't talked to them in a long time. REAL friends don't have to be 24/7 in your face, they just have to have constant mutual love.

So - that said, to those of you inside Fort Knox, I love you for walking thru this journey with me. I love you for showing me unconditional love. I love you for showing me that people can come inside and even if you don't stay, my life is richer for having you on the inside. I am thankful times 10 of the people that are in my corner, success or failure, have my back. Thank you for encouraging me, making my irrational thoughts rational. Thank you for loving me, even as my 'self' morphs into someone different then I was when we met. Thanks for not quitting.