Honk honk honk

I dont even have words anymore.
The stress of the last year and a half is closing in. Weve gotten to live in bubble and pretend we were invisible, but that changes soon.  The consequences are coming and there is no more bubble.  No more fairy tale.  Everything will change. Everything I've spent time cultivating and nurturing will be different and no one can stop the train from crashing. We just get to stand there. Let it hit us and when the dust settles tend to the worst wound and work my way down from there. The wounds will be severe. The wounds could be catastrophic. But right now. I see the train, its horn blaring to move, but the chains wont let me. Movement is not possible. Bracing for the impact is all i can do.
The breathing becomes more shallow, and it seems too late for the hail mary prayers.

Opt'ing in....

I Nicki choose to do this event.

Its that simple. to choose in, to whatever it is you are doing. to be fully present, to engage in the activity right in front of you with your whole heart, mind and body. It doesn't matter if it's work, or a relationship- did you choose in. Are you there? Is your being-ness aligned with what you are doing?

I used to think that I could multi task - like was super awesome because I can handle a million things coming at me and everything magically seems to get done. Take work for example, I simultaneously run 5 companies, every one of them has their own set of unique needs and at the end of the day each one gets tended to, but when I really look to evaluate that, not a single one of them is getting my full attention and each one has areas of improvement. Its like spinning plates, you run fast enough spinning each one a little to run some more to get back to the first one to get it going again and you just keep up this rat race, running, spinning, running and spinning and hoping each one keeps going- how do you ever get anywhere doing this? Is that really what we were born to do?
So I am slowing down, some of the plates are crashing, for sure, because I am not running between all of them I would rather do a few things really well than a lot of things half ass'd. The feeling is uncomfortable, to shed my skin of always being known for pretty much being awesome and handling everything and always smiling through it.
I am choosing the activities I balance and being more mindful of what I commit to.

I Nicki choose to do this event.
I commit to being present.
the price for that is heavy, but I am reminded that busy is a choice too, and in that busy-ness - I am more often avoiding something. that running from plate to plate is more a sign of uncomfortable in my own skin. Its a distraction- and I could spend a lot of time listing what I am distracting myself from, or I can notice that the fluttering around is a sign for me. That I need to do the opposite and sit with myself and do some inside work. My soul is screaming at me to notice it and take care of it, and busy-ness is my defense I don't have time to feel whatever emotion it is, its how I avoid going inside my soul to work.
And in doing that I add one more layer of bricks to the wall of me, when my hearts desire is to remove the bricks, accept the vulnerability and own my strength in that.

What's with the negative stigma that comes with therapy or support groups?
I'll be the first to admit, i'm an irrational person. I make up random scenarios in my head and they can make me crazy. If you deny that you do to, time to do some work and get honest with yourself.
I go to this Red Tent group...
I'll hold while you google it.
Back?
Awesome, its pretty good. It requires you to bring your authentic self to the table and dig inside to yourself and I can appreciate that. Does everyone in my group dig deep? No, they aren't ready for what that looks like, but I have been pretty blessed that over the course of the last 5 or 6 years a lot of people have held up mirrors to me and helped me get honest with myself on a lot of levels. and its scary as shit. trust me. looking at yourself and why you choose the behaviors that you do, or why you let the irrational thought take over when all facts point elsewhere - that shit sucks.
but the more you look at yourself, the more you figure out who your sense of self is and the softer you become on yourself.
just last night the other half says to me you're very snappy tonight, whats going on. old me would have snapped and said its not me its you. new me said to be honest, i am snappy, the only reason i have is its tuesday and i'm sorry, i will be more conscience of my tone and words.
that awareness is huge, that ability to not get defensive, to not play victim is very important in growing when someone points out a fault that you have, even if its as temporary as a mood, when someone holds up the mirror, its important to see what the mirror is showing you.

so i say do the work, look at the mirror, look deep inside and see yourself for who you are. love yourself for being that person and work it out, but don't be afraid if in working it out, therapy or a support group is needed. sometimes the reminder that you aren't alone is enough to pick your head up out of the two inches of water you are drowning in.
xx

Nov 13. The day my life took a new direction, and this year, i continue to thrive. I heal more and more every year, but this year does feel differnet. Ive been a lot of art therapy classes and started this women's group,  that required us to read this book,  the red tent, forgive me,i only remember the authors first name (Anita). This book is one of those books you could read over and over and everytime take away something different. Its really simple, its a daughter and her relationship with her mothers and those who act like mothers to us. The group has had is do a lot of reflection on our own story with our mother, and instead of being sad that the "assignments" are more difficult because i cant just call my mommy, i feel peace that even though i dont know all of her story, i feel like i know a lot of it and i feel content and appreciative tears, not sad tears.
I dont think people appreciate the pool of knowledge that our parents are to us, and we are who we are because of them. Be that good or bad, they have shaped us and we've either decided to be nothing like them, or aspire to be them. But nonetheless, because of them, we are who we are.

This November 13, i found have personal growth and more peace. I am so immensely grateful to both of my parents for the lessons they have taught me. For shaping who i am, even if its taken me a long time to learn, and to appreciate them. That it took their deaths for me to realize how truly amaizng they both were.

The sacrifices they both made, the blood sweat and tears they shed on my behalf, the times they set boundaries, that i didnt understand or like, are so clear to me now, and all i have is this heavy sense of gratitude and appreciation for them. I miss them, but I'm also so aware,  their passing pushed me to be who i am today.