She writes again....

well technically she never stopped, she just stopped sharing it with her audience. for a lot of reasons, but those reasons are about as relevant as what i've been up to since you last heard from me.
my journey has been my journey and for a while it needed to be private, and a lot of it still does. my time has been well spent, and purposeful and as i get ready to embark on the next piece of finding who i am in this moment i feel like its time to share the words that spin around inside my head and make their way into my art and into those that are in my daily circle. you see, i've learned - keep your circle close and tight, not very many people are are as interested in your life as the amount of people who want to watch, to see your successes and watch your failures.

I got the opportunity to work an event at a high school recently. They participated in Rachels Challenge. First of all it was amazing. Second of all, I really wish every high school participated in this event. The event brought an authenticity that is so rare in today's society. It brought challenges to students and reminded the nerds that the jocks are just like them, and it reminded the girl who isn't so pretty that that popular cheerleader who she thought was perfect, might not be so perfect after all. It was team building, and awakening and inspiring. Rachel was the first victim in the Columbine shooting of 1999. Her peers loved her and she knew, in her young life, that she would make a difference. Little did she know, that she continues to make a difference, challenging those who participate to start a chain reaction. Do something today, smile at a stranger, help someone when they drop something, or that girl in the back of the room, having lunch by herself- don't let her be alone.

Do something, and you never know when that something leads to something else and then to something else, and a chain reaction has begun.

One of the things that I personally experienced from this event, was the reminder of how far I have come. How tight I wore my mask, how I gripped so hard to never let anyone see who I really was. I presented perfect, always, and I hid the real me. I never wanted to appear vulnerable. I never wanted to anyone to see I had any emotion besides happy. And that is such an awful way to live life. It was interesting to watch how many of the participants wore masks, afraid to show anything but strength or perfection. But then about halfway thru the day, the masks slipped down. You saw tears, belly-laughing and you saw vulnerability. It was beautiful.
My mask hasn't been on for a long time. It feels uncomfortable when I put it on, and oddly when I do wear it, it comes with this slight nervous lisp. Loving who I am, flaws and all, is a journey and such a long process. Progress, not perfection, but man I look back and see the girl that presented herself like a china doll and I see the woman I am now, messy bun, glasses, footsie pajamas and a glass of wine;  knowing that I have let the walls down, shown people who I am and watched them love me anyway and I smile.

Would you cross the room...

Today while at work at the nut house I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker. She was talking about beliefs, and how we grow over time. We don't all stand for the things we once did, and sometimes our convictions become even deeper, and sometimes we meet people who change our lives, and our opinions.

We were talking and she was talking about how she grew up thinking one way and went her whole life with this opinion, then one day her eyes became more open, and she went deeper in her soul and she grew, her opinions for things shifted.

She was doing this exercise where you stand along a wall, and the instructor makes a statement, and if you agree you stay along the wall, but of you do not agree, you have to walk across the room and stand on the other wall. The point of the exercise is to test your beliefs, test your faith, test your conviction.

I like this exercise a lot. It requires the participants to look at themselves. Do you really stand for it, will you cross the room, to prove you stand for something or will you, faced with admission, cross that wall and affirm the things you say you stand for.

Words and actions... if you believe in something, how far are you willing to go to support it?

I believe in a lot of things, and I would like to think that I would cross the room. I am not afraid to stand up for the people, and the things I believe in. I think it matters, and I think its important to say what you mean, mean what you say and cross the dang room. We hear, practice what you preach, but I think that this story goes further.

And I think it also makes you look at the things you support, and ask yourself, do I really believe this, or do I believe it because its socially acceptable, or because my friends think this way. It makes you look at the things you stand for, and really ask yourself WHY you believe them.

I can honestly tell you that the next time I decide to believe something, asking myself, will I walk across the room alone to n support of this belief unafraid of what others think, and if the answer is yes then I know I am being true to my heart and soul.

time of death.

Five years ago today...
Four years ago today...
three years ago today...
two years ago today...
seem like yesterday.....

On the first anniversary of my dad I wrote my reflections of how I have done that year. I wrote them the night before, at the time I wrote them the night before because I was highly emotional, and I wasn't sure how the day would go, and I felt that I owed the world a check up on Nicki -- how has she done since the carpet was ripped out from underneath her.
In hindsight it was intuition that one the one year anniversary of losing my dad I would lose my mom. 
For those of you just now tuning in - I lost my dad November 13, 2007 and my mom 365 days later, November 13, 2008.
The next response is wow - were your parents married - nope, divorced, though they had been married a million years, they were not married at the time my daddy passed. The timing of their deaths was heaven's gift to my sisters and I.


The year after my mom died, November 2009, I spent that anniversary date participating in the Susan G. Komen 3 day-60 mile walk for the cure. That event gave me a perspective that I couldn't be more grateful for. 


This year I don't have another death, or a big event to fill today with.  Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing "special" and part of me has guilt that I'm not doing something monumental to mark this day, it's more like a normal day for me. 
But in thinking it through I guess normal is good, it's a sign that I have walked thru not one but two knee- crippling events. 
I have buried both my parents. 
And I survived. 


I am back to living, normal, as normal as can be. I think normal will never the same again. Just like September 11, on September 10 this country was very different, and from September 12, forward everything has a different meaning. We have never forgotten what that day stood for, but we have gotten back to living as normal as we can. 


You're thinking - did she really just liken her life to the world-altering September 11 attacks, and yes I did. I went there. To me, this was my world-altering events. We will never forget where we were, how we felt on the day of those attacks. I will never forget my parents, where I was, and how I felt when they passed. I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath, and I closed his still open eyes. I witnessed the man who gave me life lose his. I had lunch with a dear friend the day my mom died. I was surrounded by church, and God and was remembering my dad when I got the call from my sister telling me mom was gone. I got in my car, left an inaudible message for my best friend and drove to meet Cole who took me to my mama's house. We sat on the back of the couch and bantered with the Glendale fire department while waiting for the corner to remove my mom's lifeless body from the place she passed. 
I will never forget those memories.
I will never stop missing my parents. 
I will never eat a cheese enchilada without thinking of my mom, I will never forget her laugh because my daughter's cackle reminds me of it, I will never go to Anita's, or sew, or walk thru my front door without having memories of her flood thru my mind.
I will never travel to Mexico, and visit our special place, without thinking of my dad. I will never McGyver something together without thinking of my dad, or see a lilac without tearing up.
I will never in my life forget them.
But I will learn to live again. I will learn to be as normal as I can, and I will continue to learn to be around other families, without being bitter about how mine has changed. 
I will put one foot in front of the other, and with confidence tell you my parents are watching over me. Every time the TV goes fuzzy, or a device that works perfectly flickers, or I come across a feather, I am reassured, that their physical presence is all I am missing, if I get quiet, I can feel them. I know they keep me safe from harm, and guide me, even if I can't see them. I can feel them anytime I want. I know that they are proud of me, and when I graduate this May- I can without a doubt tell you, they will have the best seats in the house. 


To anyone who has lost someone, I feel your pain, it never gets easier, you just learn to do the best you can. Some days are better then others, and that will never change. 

stay, go, seasonal......

We have all heard it at one point or another, and the chances of you having said it to someone else is probably just as equally high.
Friends come and friends go
If it's meant to be, they it will be.

*shake your head yes* you know that those words, or very similar ones are pretty common for what we tell ourselves when a friendship goes away that we cherished.

I was thinking about that the other day, a friend of mine, her facebook status said something along the lines of mourning friendships that have been lost thru death, distance or circumstance - she was sad. and it made me sad. and it made me think.

And then I came across this in my email this morning:
"friendship means a willingness to sacrifice for each other in love. It's the ability to put another's needs, desires, and wishes above our own"
" a true friend is a loyal defense before others; one who won't talk about you when you're not around. True friends stick up for each other and are ready to defend when others attack"
"you don't have to explain why you do what you do. You are just free to do it."
and finally:
"Friends don't bale, they stay. They allow you to be yourself no matter what 'self' looks like. 


We all have different levels of friendships - you know what I mean, the friend you can call at 2 am, the friend you like to shop with, the friend you don't talk to very much.

But this post is about those 2 am friends. The ones that are there, no matter what card you have dealt them, or they have dealt you, and they choose to stay and love you thru it anyway.

Recently I think friendships have been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe my friends facebook post the other day triggered it, maybe the recent block of time I have had with my sisters, maybe a friends struggles and watching everyone be turned upside down, maybe it was something said on Oprah yesterday, who knows, what I know is that I have been looking at what a *real* friendship looks like.

Sometimes people really push what they ask us to tolerate as their friend, they do things that make us cringe, but here's the thing: We are bystanders to another person's journey, and we should be lucky enough to get to be apart of it, if even for a moment. As we go thru life, our experiences change us, they change who we are, what we believe and what we want out of this life. This constant change makes it hard for friends to love us thru everything and be there.

When you think about the world, and timing, and how everything works- nothing is a coincidence. NOTHING. Everything has a purpose, and that purpose is not always clearly identified.

People walk into our lives, and like domino's, whether they keep falling or stop depends on the timing and outside events.

I will be the first to admit, letting people inside Fort Knox isn't an easy task, I don't really like people in my space, I am in what I self describe, surface-open towards people. Letting you into my nook-and-crannies takes a lot of time, and IF I let you in there, you better stay, and if you don't, you better believe Ima cry. I feel a loss, and empty space for the people that I let in and they left, I miss those people, a lot.

But I understand why they have left as well, but then sometimes it makes me mad as hell.

Real friends just don't quit. They don't give up when it gets hard. They don't walk out, they don't just say this doesn't work for me anymore. You shouldn't get to toss someone aside that no longer "fits" what you need.

Sometimes friendships go thru seasons, they calm down, but when you think of that person, you know where you stand with them still, and know that friendship hasn't suffered even though you haven't talked to them in a long time. REAL friends don't have to be 24/7 in your face, they just have to have constant mutual love.

So - that said, to those of you inside Fort Knox, I love you for walking thru this journey with me. I love you for showing me unconditional love. I love you for showing me that people can come inside and even if you don't stay, my life is richer for having you on the inside. I am thankful times 10 of the people that are in my corner, success or failure, have my back. Thank you for encouraging me, making my irrational thoughts rational. Thank you for loving me, even as my 'self' morphs into someone different then I was when we met. Thanks for not quitting.

Familia

The family is a haven in a heartless world.

Interesting quote isn't it?


Makes you think about your own family, dysfunctional and all and wonder how much of a "haven" your family is. And it reminds you of how heartless and cold this world can be. 


For me, when I read that quote, the first thing I did was smile, and look at my own "family".


For me, my definition of family has never been traditional, yes I had parents, and dinner at 630 around the table where we all talked about how great our day was. But I also have this other "family" 


Something that took losing mine for me to fully understood. See I have some of those friends, that have been closer then close that you consider family. And you call each other sister, or brother, and you take on their family as if its your own. 
You know exactly what I am talking about - you walk into their house, you open their fridge, fix yourself leftovers, you know where their spare key is hiding, or the garage code if you don't have your own key. You are comfortable. 


They are everything but dna family, and for some of us those people are more like family members then our dna defined family.


We create families, we don't have to be born into them. 


For me, mine is more like a commune or village, but its filled with love, and support, and amazing opportunities for growth. Its safe, and its cozy, and its joyous. 


There are moments where I get so caught up in not having my mom or my dad to walk thru this physical life with me, as people make holiday plans, I get especially unnerved, but then I step back, and I feel their love, and I remember that I am still blessed with this huge other family of people that might not be technically listed on the family tree, but share this journey, hills and valleys, with me and put band-aids on the scrapes, and gold stars on the accomplishments. 

We can create that family that is our haven. 

I am beyond blessed to have my family, and I love and appreciate everyone of them, old, new, far away, and even the one's disconnected that have been apart of my journey in the past. Once your in the family, your there forever, no takebacks, no returns, no escaping. 
Thank you for being my family.

Fear

she tells people a lot, fear is the absence of faith. 

Let me repeat that:

Fear is the absence of faith

I hear her say it to others when they doubt situations, and she even says it to me when I doubt myself, but the reality is as many times as I have heard it, sometimes I don't *hear* it.

In the past week, I have put myself through emotional turmoil. I beat myself up inside. I let myself down, and instead of striving for better next time, or learning from my mistakes, 

I let myself tell myself I sucked. 

I let myself have it, I questioned if I had just wasted the past 1400 days of my life going to school for something I will never be "good enough" at. 

You see, I failed a test, a test I really should have passed. And I know when I say "failed" you say Really, Nicki, failed? But yes, I failed. I got a 61% on an open book test. No excuse really. I didn't rush, I looked up answers, I didn't guess. But somehow I managed to get a 61% on my final for an accounting 400 series class. It's not like the concepts were new, I just failed.

And in failing the test, I failed myself. See I have this academic standard of myself, this I need to be perfect, I need to get an "A" mentality. I love the way A's look on my grade card, they have a sparkle to them, and I remember bringing home all those shiny A's to my parents and watching them beam.

Let me repeat that to you too: 

I remember bringing home all those shiny A's to my parents and watching them beam.

Somewhere along the lines, I attached shiny A's, to perfection, to approval, and to a lot of other things. 

I attached perfect grades, and a pressure upon myself that if I didn't bring in that shiny A, I wasn't good enough. Fair or unfair, I did it, and as I cried over failing this test, to further hate Staples for not having the pen I wanted in blue (I was using retail therapy to recover from the test, but failed miserably at that too) I realized something.

I don't have to get A's, and I don't have to be perfect. See for me, failing this test meant I was limiting my career. I know how demanding the accounting field is, and I know that I need to have the highest GPA possible in all of my accounting classes to put myself ahead in my field. I had fear that this 61% was going to ruin my chances of doing what I want to do. Of getting the job I want to get.

As I am on the phone crying to her, she says what she always says

fear is the absence of faith

Do I believe that I am right where I need to be, and that God is looking over the situation. Maybe I was meant to get that 61%, and maybe having the job I want isn't the job I am supposed to have.

Do I have faith or do I have fear?

You can't have both. If you have fear, then you don't believe that there is a power greater then yourself at work in your life guiding you along your life path.

In that moment, I had nothing but fear, and disappointment, and even a little self-hate. I was so angry at myself for studying, for trying, and still failing. I had let myself down, and everyone watching me. That was my perception, right or wrong, but it was mine at the time.

But then, I heard it.

fear is the absence of faith

I absorbed it

I have faith, and in that faith I push out the fear. I can't be scared when I know that the power that is greater then me is driving the bus and bringing me thru the experiences I need to have, and teaching me the lessons I need to learn, and will let me off at the stop that is right for me. I needed my faith to outshine my fear. I needed the light to be greater then the dark.

love

to many people walk around this earth with darkness in their hearts, its time to let go whatever it is that you are holding on to.  Darkness replaces the light, and light is what brings joy to the earth. You can never appreciate the light without the darkness, but light should always win, and it should always outweigh the dark. We need light and love to survive. Don't fight it, let it in. Embrace it for everything that it is, everything that it promises and hold fast. Enjoy the ride and spread the light given to you, for held inside to long and it to can turn to darkness. Light is meant to be shared, love is meant to be freely given away.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dear Diary,
I am tired of this superficial world. Why can't people, myself included, be authentic all the time? Why do we fight feelings so hard and push people away? Why do we present this fictitious persona? Is it out of fear that if the "real me" were exposed people wouldn't like me less?

Is it that hard to say what you mean, mean what you say and just be honest. Even when honesty hurts? I've had quite the weekend as my nearest (and I don't mean in distance) and dearest are aware, and its woken me up to a few things.

1) People make decisions we cannot control, and even if they hurt us, we have to accept them and not deny them that growth. EVEN if we think it's the wrong choice.

2) Letting yourself feel love isn't a bad thing.

3) We build walls around us, sometimes we don't even realize it. And they are purposeful. The walls are there to keep the bullshit out, but those who truly care will find away thru the wall. When someone tears down a wall, look at why you put that wall up and maybe just maybe the wall doesn't need to be rebuilt

4) Being grounded is healthy and good, and if you plant your roots deep enough, even if you stray, you can come back to them and they will still be there

5) As much as I want to lose faith in people, and as easy as it would be to give up, I have to put one foot in front of the other, continue the journey and have hope that next time the outcome will be different.

It's time to not pretend that the world is sunshine and roses all day everyday, but instead, live and feel and breath. Crying makes me human, not weak. And laughing is soap for my soul. So cry more, laugh and truly live each and every day!

Sincerely,

Me