Thursday, November 12, 2009

Last year I wrote my thoughts marking the one-year anniversary of my dad’s passing on November 12, for some reason, I was scared I would be to much of an emotional train wreck to do it, on the actual date. Little did I know, there was more truth to that at the time I knew, as November 13, 2008, the actual anniversary date, my mom passed. I remember exactly what I was doing, a dear friend of mine had invited me to a church luncheon. I left the luncheon on a God-high, and got the call from my sister. The next hour of getting to my mom’s and making the calls to the people closest to me were a blur. I remember leaving an inaudible message to my bestie, and I remember sitting on the couch, while the g-town firefighters stood there and waited with us for the coroner. And as they wheeled my lifeless mom passed us, I remember this feeling of conviction coming over me that I would not again enter into the dark space that I did after losing my dad. I remember feeling like, I would find purpose through their passing’s, and I would find a way to honor them and not be miserable as I had been. 

So this year, as I write my thoughts of reflection, a day early again, observing the passing of my daddy (11/13/07) and my mama (11/13/08) I am in a really good place. I still have my moments where I am sad. I find I have little patience for parental disrespect from kids, or even my adult friends who ignore the phone call from their mom because they know she’s just gonna nag, or annoy them… I think to myself, I wish my mama would call and nag me or annoy me, even yell at me for some dumb adult decision I have made that she disagrees with. I find myself sad when I think that neither of them will have a physical presence at Ariel’s wedding, or my college graduation, or any school play, dance recital, drivers license test, broken bone, first boyfriend, anything. I find myself staring at the grandpa pushing his granddaughter on the swing, and feeling a sense of loss. 

But then I feel happy when I see a UPS truck drive by the road, and I chuckle at old lady’s wearing funny hats. I see the tree planted in honor of my dad at our church, and instead of feeling sadness anymore, I feel joy that kids for years to come will have a shady place to rest. Ariel plays dress up with these doll clothes my mom made, and I can find the humor, when Ariel alters them. I feel joy in my heart when I can patch a hole in the wall, or hem my pants, because those are lessons I learned from my parents that I will have forever. I miss them, I do, my heart hurts so bad some days, but days I feel like the luckiest girl to have been able to call them mom and dad, while others knew them as Don and Carol. 

In the last year, I have learned to find happiness in their memories that will always carry on. I have learned that by talking about them, they are never forgotten, and I love that how even from heaven they both find ways to come into my life and remind me that I not alone. 

This year on their anniversary date, I will be finding myself looking for the mental strength to give a positive purpose to the day. Participating in the 3-day breast cancer walk is my way of honoring my parents. When I got invited to participate, I said yes before I even knew when the walk was, it didn’t matter, I wanted to do it. My insides said, go for it. When I went to sign up, the dates of the walk were on my screen, and for a split second, I thought it was a joke. And then I laughed, it was one more way to be connected to them. It was one more connection. 

So here it is November 12, 2009, and I am looking forward to waking up, and appreciating the life my parents created in me, and feeling their strength as I make a difference so that maybe just maybe, there won’t be a daughter out there who has to bury her mom and feel the pain I have felt. 

To my sisters, I love you, take the day to breath, feel and remember, then look to heaven and smile. We have two of the best guardian angels anyone could ask for. Laugh that mom is up there with Michael, having a blast laughing and singing and doing her version of Thriller (you know she is), and that daddy is up with his hammer and a ladder fixin something that somebody broke somewhere. I wish I could be there with you all today, to hug you when you get sad, and to laugh when you remember one of the goofy things they have done. I felt a purpose in doing the walk, for me it is a chapter towards healing. Know that I am thinking of you, and I love you to the moon and back. 

To my friends who pulled me out of the darkness when I was so lost, you will never know what you mean to me. You have held my hand and let me cry and then you understood when I was bitter and angry. And you are here now, still, my friends and I love you all, and feel ever so blessed that you are apart of my life.

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