Wednesday, December 2, 2015

What's with the negative stigma that comes with therapy or support groups?
I'll be the first to admit, i'm an irrational person. I make up random scenarios in my head and they can make me crazy. If you deny that you do to, time to do some work and get honest with yourself.
I go to this Red Tent group...
I'll hold while you google it.
Awesome, its pretty good. It requires you to bring your authentic self to the table and dig inside to yourself and I can appreciate that. Does everyone in my group dig deep? No, they aren't ready for what that looks like, but I have been pretty blessed that over the course of the last 5 or 6 years a lot of people have held up mirrors to me and helped me get honest with myself on a lot of levels. and its scary as shit. trust me. looking at yourself and why you choose the behaviors that you do, or why you let the irrational thought take over when all facts point elsewhere - that shit sucks.
but the more you look at yourself, the more you figure out who your sense of self is and the softer you become on yourself.
just last night the other half says to me you're very snappy tonight, whats going on. old me would have snapped and said its not me its you. new me said to be honest, i am snappy, the only reason i have is its tuesday and i'm sorry, i will be more conscience of my tone and words.
that awareness is huge, that ability to not get defensive, to not play victim is very important in growing when someone points out a fault that you have, even if its as temporary as a mood, when someone holds up the mirror, its important to see what the mirror is showing you.

so i say do the work, look at the mirror, look deep inside and see yourself for who you are. love yourself for being that person and work it out, but don't be afraid if in working it out, therapy or a support group is needed. sometimes the reminder that you aren't alone is enough to pick your head up out of the two inches of water you are drowning in.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Nov 13. The day my life took a new direction, and this year, i continue to thrive. I heal more and more every year, but this year does feel differnet. Ive been a lot of art therapy classes and started this women's group,  that required us to read this book,  the red tent, forgive me,i only remember the authors first name (Anita). This book is one of those books you could read over and over and everytime take away something different. Its really simple, its a daughter and her relationship with her mothers and those who act like mothers to us. The group has had is do a lot of reflection on our own story with our mother, and instead of being sad that the "assignments" are more difficult because i cant just call my mommy, i feel peace that even though i dont know all of her story, i feel like i know a lot of it and i feel content and appreciative tears, not sad tears.
I dont think people appreciate the pool of knowledge that our parents are to us, and we are who we are because of them. Be that good or bad, they have shaped us and we've either decided to be nothing like them, or aspire to be them. But nonetheless, because of them, we are who we are.

This November 13, i found have personal growth and more peace. I am so immensely grateful to both of my parents for the lessons they have taught me. For shaping who i am, even if its taken me a long time to learn, and to appreciate them. That it took their deaths for me to realize how truly amaizng they both were.

The sacrifices they both made, the blood sweat and tears they shed on my behalf, the times they set boundaries, that i didnt understand or like, are so clear to me now, and all i have is this heavy sense of gratitude and appreciation for them. I miss them, but I'm also so aware,  their passing pushed me to be who i am today.

Monday, September 28, 2015

She writes again....

well technically she never stopped, she just stopped sharing it with her audience. for a lot of reasons, but those reasons are about as relevant as what i've been up to since you last heard from me.
my journey has been my journey and for a while it needed to be private, and a lot of it still does. my time has been well spent, and purposeful and as i get ready to embark on the next piece of finding who i am in this moment i feel like its time to share the words that spin around inside my head and make their way into my art and into those that are in my daily circle. you see, i've learned - keep your circle close and tight, not very many people are are as interested in your life as the amount of people who want to watch, to see your successes and watch your failures.

I got the opportunity to work an event at a high school recently. They participated in Rachels Challenge. First of all it was amazing. Second of all, I really wish every high school participated in this event. The event brought an authenticity that is so rare in today's society. It brought challenges to students and reminded the nerds that the jocks are just like them, and it reminded the girl who isn't so pretty that that popular cheerleader who she thought was perfect, might not be so perfect after all. It was team building, and awakening and inspiring. Rachel was the first victim in the Columbine shooting of 1999. Her peers loved her and she knew, in her young life, that she would make a difference. Little did she know, that she continues to make a difference, challenging those who participate to start a chain reaction. Do something today, smile at a stranger, help someone when they drop something, or that girl in the back of the room, having lunch by herself- don't let her be alone.

Do something, and you never know when that something leads to something else and then to something else, and a chain reaction has begun.

One of the things that I personally experienced from this event, was the reminder of how far I have come. How tight I wore my mask, how I gripped so hard to never let anyone see who I really was. I presented perfect, always, and I hid the real me. I never wanted to appear vulnerable. I never wanted to anyone to see I had any emotion besides happy. And that is such an awful way to live life. It was interesting to watch how many of the participants wore masks, afraid to show anything but strength or perfection. But then about halfway thru the day, the masks slipped down. You saw tears, belly-laughing and you saw vulnerability. It was beautiful.
My mask hasn't been on for a long time. It feels uncomfortable when I put it on, and oddly when I do wear it, it comes with this slight nervous lisp. Loving who I am, flaws and all, is a journey and such a long process. Progress, not perfection, but man I look back and see the girl that presented herself like a china doll and I see the woman I am now, messy bun, glasses, footsie pajamas and a glass of wine;  knowing that I have let the walls down, shown people who I am and watched them love me anyway and I smile.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A few words to the misguided... including myself.

Communication Obstacles: Misplaced Priorities

One of my persistent weaknesses is that I want to author my own play, the play of my life, in which I am the star, for which I would like to write the script. I can pretty much do fine on my own for a while, and then when I encounter a problem too big for me, I holler for God to show up on “my” stage, on my cue. He generally does not oblige me at such times. Hmm. Wonder why.

In the middle of his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus helped his disciples to see how the universe really operates. The more you grasp for material things, the more in love you are with yourself and your agenda, the less you will achieve and the less satisfaction you will feel.

Here is a better way: “Seek first his i.e., God’s kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). Seeking God’s kingdom means seeing yourself as God’s creation, placed here on earth for a mission, his mission. You are in his play, and he will let you know the role he needs you to play for him.

Seeking God’s righteousness means choosing to value your forgiveness of sins through the blood of Jesus as your most precious possession. When you have that, everything else that God thinks you need will come flowing into your life.

Reposted from day 7 of the 21 days to pray.