Saturday, November 13, 2010

time of death.

Five years ago today...
Four years ago today...
three years ago today...
two years ago today...
seem like yesterday.....

On the first anniversary of my dad I wrote my reflections of how I have done that year. I wrote them the night before, at the time I wrote them the night before because I was highly emotional, and I wasn't sure how the day would go, and I felt that I owed the world a check up on Nicki -- how has she done since the carpet was ripped out from underneath her.
In hindsight it was intuition that one the one year anniversary of losing my dad I would lose my mom. 
For those of you just now tuning in - I lost my dad November 13, 2007 and my mom 365 days later, November 13, 2008.
The next response is wow - were your parents married - nope, divorced, though they had been married a million years, they were not married at the time my daddy passed. The timing of their deaths was heaven's gift to my sisters and I.

The year after my mom died, November 2009, I spent that anniversary date participating in the Susan G. Komen 3 day-60 mile walk for the cure. That event gave me a perspective that I couldn't be more grateful for. 

This year I don't have another death, or a big event to fill today with.  Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing "special" and part of me has guilt that I'm not doing something monumental to mark this day, it's more like a normal day for me. 
But in thinking it through I guess normal is good, it's a sign that I have walked thru not one but two knee- crippling events. 
I have buried both my parents. 
And I survived. 

I am back to living, normal, as normal as can be. I think normal will never the same again. Just like September 11, on September 10 this country was very different, and from September 12, forward everything has a different meaning. We have never forgotten what that day stood for, but we have gotten back to living as normal as we can. 

You're thinking - did she really just liken her life to the world-altering September 11 attacks, and yes I did. I went there. To me, this was my world-altering events. We will never forget where we were, how we felt on the day of those attacks. I will never forget my parents, where I was, and how I felt when they passed. I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath, and I closed his still open eyes. I witnessed the man who gave me life lose his. I had lunch with a dear friend the day my mom died. I was surrounded by church, and God and was remembering my dad when I got the call from my sister telling me mom was gone. I got in my car, left an inaudible message for my best friend and drove to meet Cole who took me to my mama's house. We sat on the back of the couch and bantered with the Glendale fire department while waiting for the corner to remove my mom's lifeless body from the place she passed. 
I will never forget those memories.
I will never stop missing my parents. 
I will never eat a cheese enchilada without thinking of my mom, I will never forget her laugh because my daughter's cackle reminds me of it, I will never go to Anita's, or sew, or walk thru my front door without having memories of her flood thru my mind.
I will never travel to Mexico, and visit our special place, without thinking of my dad. I will never McGyver something together without thinking of my dad, or see a lilac without tearing up.
I will never in my life forget them.
But I will learn to live again. I will learn to be as normal as I can, and I will continue to learn to be around other families, without being bitter about how mine has changed. 
I will put one foot in front of the other, and with confidence tell you my parents are watching over me. Every time the TV goes fuzzy, or a device that works perfectly flickers, or I come across a feather, I am reassured, that their physical presence is all I am missing, if I get quiet, I can feel them. I know they keep me safe from harm, and guide me, even if I can't see them. I can feel them anytime I want. I know that they are proud of me, and when I graduate this May- I can without a doubt tell you, they will have the best seats in the house. 

To anyone who has lost someone, I feel your pain, it never gets easier, you just learn to do the best you can. Some days are better then others, and that will never change. 


The Oxford Family said...

Love this.

MRMD_GRL said...

Thanks scotti!! And thanks for being apart of my healing journey!! Your impact in my life doesn't go unforgotten.

Ronda said...

Through my tears, I send you my love.

Trina said...

Two beautiful souls who came together to create and raise amazing children. Their physical presence is missed, but their spiritual presence lives on forever. Love you MRMD GRL!!

Ruby said...

Loved this post . One of my biggest fears is losing my parents. My mom has always been like my best friend and my dad has always been known as a "jack of all trades" I swear that man can fix anything. by the time i finished reading your blog I was in tears.

Anonymous said...

Yep...totally teared up. I'm so thankful for you and your journey. You are one of my few friends that have also had to deal with the death of a parent, a parent remarrying and all those issues, and am so thankful I have you to tell me like it is. We got back in touch after many years at starbucks, discussing losing our parents, and talking about where life goes from there. A day doesn't go by that I don't miss my daddy but I am so thankful for a friend like you to help me on my journey. Love you and keeping you in my thoughts today.